Archive for the ‘I was thinking…’ Category

Tired.

Today was my first full day of work.  And I am beyond exhausted.

(For those of you who don’t know, I’m starting a job at a new preschool.  I’m a Teacher’s Assistant in the four year old classroom.  And it’s the first time I’ve worked full-time outside the home in a very long time.)

We don’t even have the kids in the classroom yet.  Today and tomorrow are teacher workdays, and we’re busy getting the classroom all cleaned up and rearranged.  And since the teacher I’ll be working with is new also, we’re busy making lesson plans and finding out where the bathrooms are, etc.  It’s exhausting, mentally and physically.

When I got home today — after picking the kids up at the babysitter’s house and checking the mail — I immediately started dinner and threw a load of clothes in the dryer.  I also placed the aluminum foil in the freezer and the pepper in the pantry.  (Neither of those things belong in those places.)  Needless to say, I may need adult supervision.

Tomorrow I’ll have the longest day EVER because I’ll be starting work at 8:00 AM and ending sometime after the school’s Open House and Staff Dinner, around 7:00 PM? 8:00 PM?  I don’t know, and to be honest with you, I don’t want to spend too much time thinking about it.

Now please excuse me, I have to go make cookies for tomorrow and clean up the kitchen.  And then I have to walk the dog.  And fold clothes.  And find some preschool friendly music.  And, well…. ZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

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Trying.

During the last couple of days, I’ve had several possible posts rolling around in my head.  I kept thinking that I would sit down and write, only to then think that it’s entirely possible that I won’t have time or energy to write once I start to work.  And the thought of coming back and writing, only to not come back again in a couple of days just left me feeling like I shouldn’t even bother.  So I didn’t.

An email from my friend Sara made me think differently.  She  said she missed me, and I realized that I missed me, too.  I missed writing.  I missed the interaction with my family and friends.  Mostly, I missed getting things out of my head and onto paper — or computer, whatever — so that I could re-read it and help myself come to some sort of conclusion or resolution about whatever it is I’m thinking about.

I haven’t written because I was going through a period where my mind was just this crazy ball of nerves, fear, etc, with special emphasis on the CRAZY.  I’m telling you, it was/is rough.  If it wasn’t for the fact that my “baby” is seven, I would have sworn I was going through some sort of pregnancy hormone thing.  (And I swear I’m NOT.)  I cried.  I withdrew.  I cleaned house with a fervor.  I got angry and frustrated, and then got lovely-dovey and emotional.  It was crazy.  This, I thought to myself, is what being depressed is.

And then I had to think about why I was depressed about going to work.  I ran through the whole gamut of reasons, only to come to the singularly best reason I could come up with, and it’s this:  I do not want to work full time because I think it’ll take away all of my energy and I won’t have any left for myself and my family.  I’m scared that I will be rushing through the days, with my only time to stop and relax being after my kids have gone to bed, and I want to have time for my family, darn it.

I realize that being depressed about a job that I haven’t even started IS crazy.  I was mourning the time I didn’t think I’d have, without ever knowing what the reality would even be like.  So who knows, maybe I won’t have the time, but maybe I will.  Maybe it’ll all work itself out, and I’ll be deliriously happy.  (Or maybe I’ll quit and find something else.)  What I should have been saying to myself all along is: relax.  You won’t know until you try.

So here goes….

Sorry.

I’m managing. 

But sometimes it’s only barely. 

So I haven’t been able to bring myself to write anything.  Instead, I’ve been trying to get a listful of chores done before work/school starts, and also trying to fit in some down time to help myself relax.  The writing, emailing, etc. have had to take a back-burner to everyday life. 

But hopefully I’ll be back, in some shape or form.

Maybe sometime soon.

Numbers, schmumbers.

I’ve been sitting here trying to work out a “workable budget” that we can somehow use to get ourselves on the right track, financially, and I simply cannot look at another dollar sign without my head exploding.  This whole budget thing is so daunting.  And those people who tell you it is easy are lying through their teeth.  It is hard to look at the numbers and not immediately want to A) earn more money and B) never buy anything again because have you seen how much money you spend at the grocery store lately?  Also, how much money does the health insurance company need?  Because by my estimates, it shouldn’t cost that much for them to tell me, “No.”  And cable, oh my goodness… the cable bill is obscene.

Money has always been an issue for us.  There have been times that we’ve had money to blow — and blow it we usually did — and other times when we’ve wondered how on earth we’d manage to make it to the end of the month with a minus sign in front of our checking account balance.  Once upon a time we had no health insurance, no jobs, and two children.  We made it through that time, thank goodness, and now we earn more money and no longer have minus signs on our checking account.  But we also now have to pay for the health inurance and the two children keep growing and eating, and it seems like we still have the same amount of extra money at the end of the month — which is zero.  And do you know how frustrating that is?

So I decided that I would make a budget to help us manage our money in a better way.  But every time I think I have gotten every category and cent accounted for, I find another reciept or bill that I had forgotten about, and then I have to go back and re-work the numbers.  And I’m tired of looking at the numbers.  Besides, those numbers, they never work out the way I want them to.  And my budget just doesn’t seem very workable to me. 

Screw it, I’m going to get a drink and watch Spongebob.  Whose with me?

Where? How? When?

Every summer we go through our house and find the things that we no longer use and/or need, and donate them to Goodwill.  We rely heavily on this donation for tax purposes.  Sometimes it makes the difference between us paying the IRS or them paying us.

This year, my sorting started off with a bang.  I began with the kids rooms.  And since they were there to help me, we started in the morning and finished with a trip to Goodwill in the afternoon.  It went quickly and smoothly.

Now that I intend to sort through the rest of the house — the hall closet, my bedroom, the kitchen, the miscellaneous toys in the backyard — my enthusiasm is waning.  I can’t seem to motivate myself, nor do I even know where to start.  Do I start with the hall closet?  But what if I intend to put some of the things from there into my bedroom closet?  Then should I start in my bedroom closet so that I already have a space cleared out for the things from the hall closet?  Or should I just go through the kitchen first?  But the kitchen isn’t necessarily in need of a big organizing, and what if that takes so long that I run out of time and cannot do the closets?  What should I DO?

I know that this is indicative of my mood right now.  My indecisiveness here at home has everything to do with my indecisiveness about my job.  Will I enjoy work?  Should I clean now?  Heck, I even have trouble thinking about what I’d like to do during the day.  Or what I want to eat for breakfast.  Sheesh.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn my brain off and hit autopilot.  My mind just churns, often going through every possible scenario it can come up with.  And if there is information about a certain scenario missing, my mind will sound an alarm — incomplete data! incomplete data! — and go into overload.  Unfortunately, this happens often.  Especially because I never have all the information.

So what I guess I’m saying is, I am driving myself insane. 

And my house is a mess.

Vexed.

Lately, my gmail account has been slow to load.  In fact, it’s been so slow, I’ve been having to view it using the “HTML for slow connections” option.  And it vexes me so. 

I do not understand anything about my computer and the Internet — nothing about the hows or whys of it all seems to be able to sink into my thick skull.  So I am employing my standard response when something does not work as well as it used to: I am vexed.  Also, I ask my computer, “Why?”  And I may plead with it to stop doing whatever it is it’s doing.  So far my strategy has not seemed to do much in the way of fixing any problems.

Another problem I’ve been having is that certain people are not allowed to comment on this site.  Why?  I have no idea.  These people have not been banned by me.  And other people — people I do not want to comment — are able to do so.  People like the online casino people, and the cheap insurance people.  They are able to leave me several spam comments a day.  But evidently, if you are someone I’ve know since high school or related to me, you are not allowed to comment.

And no amount of pleading is going to change any of it.  Believe me, I’ve tried.

Off my duff.

Every single day that I haven’t written something here, I feel guilty.  I check my email and feel guilty because I haven’t written something for someone to email me about.  And the guilt, it is overwhelming sometimes.  I feel like I’m shirking a responsibility, but I’m not even sure what it is I am responsible for.  Your entertainment?  (Maybe if we use the word entertainment loosely.)

So I am here to reassure you that everything is going well here.  The kids are enjoying summer by doing absolutely nothing.  I, too, am doing nothing.  And I think that’s where my problem lies.  I’ve been blindsided by a lack of routine and therefore have just sort of… frozen up, and have not done any of the things that I wanted to accomplish.  And yet again, I feel a sense of guilt because of it.

It’s been only recently that I have finally gotten off of my duff and done something.  I finally applied for another job — one at a preschool like the preschool I previously worked in, and I really am hoping for this one.  And I found a way to get the kids to finish their workbooks this summer.  I promised them I would pay for a month’s membership at whichever website they wanted to join — Barbie Girl for her, and Club Penguin for him — once they finished their workbooks.  I’m also thinking that I can use this monthly website thing to get them to accomplish various tasks throughout the year.  Because there’s nothing like a little bribery to get the children moving, right?

And I’m hoping that my little bought of writer’s block has finally come to an end.  I’ve had things to write, but unfortunately I haven’t actually gotten past the point of composing the posts in my head.  I haven’t been able to sit down and write.  Maybe now I can….