Sneaky thing.

In the dead of the night — or on the rare occasion that I am alone and able to hear myself think — my thoughts turn to how I could be a better parent.  I think about how I’ve overreacted, or maybe how I didn’t handle a situation correctly.  I wonder if there is more I could be doing for my children.  I berate myself for not taking the opportunity that presented itself earlier in the day to do something really extraordinary for one or other of the children.

Basically, I let The Guilt take over.

The Guilt is something I have a hard time with.  We, as parents, will always wonder if we’re really doing all we can for our children and if we’re doing it to the best of our abilities.  It’s something that happens even before our children are born, and only intensifies through time.  The Guilt can take over sometimes, leaving you almost paralyzed with fear over what you’ve done and what you didn’t do.  At least, it almost paralyzes me — I guess I can’t speak for you.

Most of the time I can take it all in stride.  There are times, however, that I succumb to The Guilt and let it worry me.  I’m going through one of those times right now, and I really wish I could just tuck it all back into the back of my mind and revisit it when I feel like I can take the time to come up with solutions to all the things that are making me feel guilty.  You see, right now I don’t have the time/energy/mental fortitude to sit down and let my thoughts take over for a while.  Instead, I’ve got a lot of things to do.  I’ve got a lot of things I need to make sure are running along smoothly.  I’ve got other people to keep on track, and I don’t have time for me to derail, so too speak.

But you know, I think The Guilt waits until these kinds of times — when you don’t have the energy to deal with it — to rear its ugly head.  I think your mind does tuck it away, waiting until you are feeling like there are several things you need to deal with before it just sort of tacks itself onto your neverending to-do list.

The Guilt, it is sneaky that way.

But I sure do wish it could find someone else to sneak up on and leave me alone for a while.


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