In crisis.

I am having a little identity crisis. 

Or maybe a big one. 

I’m having trouble finding my “place” right now.  I mean, I’m a person, wife, mother, etc… this I know.  But I’m really feeling like I’ve somehow slipped out of the place I was in, and I can’t seem to squeeze myself back into a comfortable spot.

(Oh, can I be more cryptic?) (Yes, maybe I can.  But I’ll try not to be)

I’ve always been somewhat of a loner.  And I enjoy my alone time.  Although, I feel more comfortable when I have a small safety net of people in the background; people to support me and be there when I need a little shove in the right direction.  When I was younger, my father was my big safety net.  As I got older, I had a few close friends (some nearby and some far away) who filled the slot.  When I married my husband, he became my biggest supporter, my very safe safety net.  And then my children came along, and they gave me a big shove in the right direction.  They were the things that gave me a purpose, a reason to always be doing things, to aways be working.  They kept me very busy. 

But things have changed.  My “safety net” or people have moved a little further away, leaving me on my own more and more.

Now my children are old enough to do more for themselves.  They go over to friends houses and leave me for hours at a time.  They have school, activities, games to play, and shows to watch.  They can get their own snacks and put away their own clothes.  They read the instructions on a game themselves.  They are becoming so independent.

My husband has found out that he loves to ride his motorcycle on sunny days.  Often times, he will block out some time to just go out and ride, with no particular destination in mind.  He has kept his love of the gym, and physically (and mentally) needs to go there several times a week.  He works and he plays, and he dearly loves some time to just sit down and watch some TV on the weekends.

Me, well, I don’t have any of that.  Once upon a time I was so busy, I lost all of my interests.  Sure, I did things, but I rarely had time to indulge myself in any real hobby, so everything I liked to do was whittled down to just reading books and surfing the Internet.  While I still love to do those things–oh how I love to do those things–I feel like I’m missing out.

It seems that I have reached a point in my life that means I can have my life back.  I can rediscover what it was I liked to do before kids, and maybe even find new things to enjoy.  The only problem is, I can’t remember what the heck I liked before, and I can’t figure out what kind of new things I might enjoy.  I’m stuck.

Let me give you a recent example:  I need new clothes.  The ones I own have either shrunk (ha!  That’s my story and I’m sticking to it) or have just finally reached the end of their lifespan.  So I have been out shopping here and there for some new things.  The only problem is, I can’t decide what kind of clothes to buy.  I have a friend who wears very nice clothes, she looks very tailored and put together.  And I admire the things she wears.  But when I tried on the same kinds of things, I just felt like a little kid playing dress-up.  However, the kinds of things I wore before kids–and before the times of who the heck cares what I wear, I’m sleep deprived and busy!--are now things that are located in the junior section of the store, and feel just highly inappropriate for who I am now.  I feel like I’m a little old to be trying to wear those things again.  But I’m not ready to go shopping at Talbots just yet, either.  I’m having such an identity crisis, I don’t even know what to dress myself in!

So how do I find out what I want to do?  How do I find out where I fit again?  Because I’m really enjoying my newly found free time.  I’m really enjoying the chance to be a whole separate being again.  I just don’t exactly know how to do it.

2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by sara on 10/19/2007 at 11:23 am

    you are not alone in those thoughts and feelings!


  2. Posted by Dad on 10/19/2007 at 11:24 am

    That whole thing about what to do, fit in, separate being, how to do it. When you find out how please let me know.


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